One of THOSE days

This is one of those days that sucks. Today I've heard this constant story in my head that goes something like this: what I'm doing is not valued. By anybody. I might as well work full time and send the daughters to daycare. Noone would know the difference.

And honestly I wonder sometimes. Why am I doing this? Does it really matter if a child stays home or goes to daycare? Honestly, I don't know rightnow.

tipping point

I know I've had enough when I suddenly start to loose my temper. At the smallest things. I make my children cry because they are startled at my reaction to something tiny. And I don't know when these outbursts are coming. They just appear. That's how I know I obvioulsy have not had enough, or shall we say ANY, time to myself.

Thanks to my mom taking the girls overnight, I'm home alone this afternoon. This is a small miracle. This is probably the third time I've been at home for this long by myself since Violet was born. Almost two years ago. That's too seldom.

Yet I'm feeling guilty, of course. Guilty for snapping at Amelia because she tried to lift my shirt so Violet could nurse (which I HATE). Guilty for snapping at all in front of my kids. Why though? I'm pissed that I feel guilty for showing real emotion in front of them. That's the kind of thing I applaud in others, encourage even. And at the same time I feel free. Because I know that it's good to be real in front of them.