My Birthday

Tonight we celebrated my birthday. Yesterday was my actual birthday (September 11th - perhaps there will be more on that another time). Had a potluck dinner at home. It was awesome. Justnow, though, as I was tucking my oldest (almost 5), I realized what an awesome gift my children are. I remember thinking "by the time I'm 30, I want to have started to have children." Amelia was born a month after my 30th birthday. And she has been the most amazing gift. Such a joy - all she really wants is to be with us. I'm reminded of the scene in Lost in Translation...

Bob: The most terrifying day of your life is the day the first one is born.
Charlotte: Nobody ever tells you that.
Bob: Your life, as you know it... is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk... and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most delightful people you will ever meet in your life.

I can't say I agree with the "terrifying" part, but the rest is true. Absolutely true.

Happy birthday, Me.

It's hard being a stay-at-home mom

This weekend we went on vacation. A labor day family-camp type vacation. Which means I spent 48 straight hours following an almost 2 year old toddler around. This is not a vacation. This is everyday life in another location. This is actually worse than everyday life, since when we're at home I can at least know what she's probably up to if she's not in the same room with me.

What a bitch. This is the stage of my life when vacation is not a relaxing break from the norm.

It's exhausting. And let me say I can't stand when people over-use that word. But that's exactly what it is.

And you know the best part? We get to do it all over again over Thanksgiving. That's right! Thanksgiving! I'm already grateful for the end of that trip.

But on the other hand, I feel awful. I feel awful because when I'm constantly keeping tabs on the toddler, the almost-5-year-old gets no mommy time. That is, if she even wants mommy time. And then when she does, it's because I'm snapping at her for not wanting to eat the dessert I just got her off the buffet. Fuck.

How do moms like me get a break? Everyone else is at work! Should I get a job just so I can have consistent adult time? Is that the answer?

One of THOSE days

This is one of those days that sucks. Today I've heard this constant story in my head that goes something like this: what I'm doing is not valued. By anybody. I might as well work full time and send the daughters to daycare. Noone would know the difference.

And honestly I wonder sometimes. Why am I doing this? Does it really matter if a child stays home or goes to daycare? Honestly, I don't know rightnow.

tipping point

I know I've had enough when I suddenly start to loose my temper. At the smallest things. I make my children cry because they are startled at my reaction to something tiny. And I don't know when these outbursts are coming. They just appear. That's how I know I obvioulsy have not had enough, or shall we say ANY, time to myself.

Thanks to my mom taking the girls overnight, I'm home alone this afternoon. This is a small miracle. This is probably the third time I've been at home for this long by myself since Violet was born. Almost two years ago. That's too seldom.

Yet I'm feeling guilty, of course. Guilty for snapping at Amelia because she tried to lift my shirt so Violet could nurse (which I HATE). Guilty for snapping at all in front of my kids. Why though? I'm pissed that I feel guilty for showing real emotion in front of them. That's the kind of thing I applaud in others, encourage even. And at the same time I feel free. Because I know that it's good to be real in front of them.

I feel like I'm drugging my child

So, Violet is teething. Maybe. She's 19 months old now, and teething for her has so far been a real bitch. I mean, damn. Amelia never even noticed she was teething. So suffice it to say, this is still new territory for me. Other than the fact that now we know that when Violet starts spontaneously night waking, she's probably teething.



Months ago, when this first started, I gave her the boob. Suffice it to say, after a while, that really sucks. Pun intended. A teething-already-boob-obsessed child does not do well for this mama. It feels awful. Awful enough for me to contemplate never consuming cow's milk again, since now I feel pretty confident that I know how a cow feels spending it's entire life producing milk. It's a thankless task.



Then, because she rejected every teething toy we gave her in favor of the boob, tylenol. Which didn't faze her. Might as well have given her water.



Then, ibuprofin. This worked. So well that she would immediately calm down at the sight of the syringe. Freaky.



Now, homeopathic teething tablets. Which also work, though sometimes maybe for not as long as ibuprofen - but I feel SO much better giving her these.



However - today she was fussy. She's been teething for about a week. Chewing on her fingers and such. So at some point she walks over to the night stand and tries to open the drawer. Why? Because she knows that's the last place I put the teething tablets. Really freaky.



But - I mean, isn't it kind of cool that she knows what she needs and how to ask for it? Yeah, I guess. But I also feel like I'm programming her to rely on meds.



I'm freaked out.

HOLIEST OF HOLIES!!!

So, anyone out there who is nursing and trying to wean a baby, you know what I mean when I say....

This morning was the first time Violet woke up and didn't want to nurse first thing!!!

Gratitude, gratitude, and more gratitude.

How might your life have been different....

So, hubby and I just watched the Oprah from today, where they talked about the Oprah from yesterday, which was all about talking to your kids about sex. Including - God Forbid!!! - mothers teaching their daughters about self-pleasuring.

Amazing.

Amazing because there were people shaking their heads in shock. "WHAT?!? Talk to my daughter about self-pleasuring?!? Talk to my daughter about taking control of her own body? Talk to my daughter about owning her own sexuality? Talk to my daughter about...."

Wait.......what?

How might our lives have been different.

How might our lives have been different if at the emergence of our womanhood, we had been surrounded by a circle of wiser women, and been taught to cherish our bodies, taught to cherish our sexuality as the divine gift that it is, and taught that we, and only we, held sovereignty over it.

Let's dig down through the shame and get to the truth.

Let's be that circle, now, for our daughters, and for ourselves.

I love being a mom

Today is one of those days. One of those days when everything went right. One of those days when I followed my instincts, went to the park, had fun with my girls, and never once let a "should" creep into our day. How marvelous it was.

In highschool I stopped drinking. Stopped smoking, stopped using illegal substances. I found myself feeling isolated, wondering what the benefits were to "making good choices." Someone once told me "one day there will be a payoff." That was 19 years ago.

Today was that day.